I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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