Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
