Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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