Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
