are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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