stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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