I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize