i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
