Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
