the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
