Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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