So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
