Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Couch. On fire.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
