I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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