Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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