Are we in a gay sports bar?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
