They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
