I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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