Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
