Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i wish my penis had a tongue
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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