Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
