Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wish there were birth control emojis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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