You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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