Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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