Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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