Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
