I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
