If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
