Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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