I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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