i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
