Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize