a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
