the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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