so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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