Acid is not a monday night drug
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
