I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
