sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize