Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
