I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize