her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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