toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
