My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
