Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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