Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
