Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
