I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You ate ashes out of my bong
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
