Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
