the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
