saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
