She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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