I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize