is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
