Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize