Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
