She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
