and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
