It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
