upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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