the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
