Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
