it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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