god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
