tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
