Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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