why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
