pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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